I wanted to hit y’all with some real emotions on this Saturday morning.
There are days where I am so beyond thankful that my husband and I are pregnant. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it!
But then there are other days when I dread the thought of our lives changing, that I’m not old enough for this, that we aren’t responsible enough, and we aren’t ready. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
I think we as a culture put so much emphasis on the happy moments about pregnancy and being a mom/parent that we forget that it’s totally okay to not always be one-hundred percent excited all the time.
A good friend of mine reminded me of this when I was talking to her during my first trimester. You see, I struggled with MAJOR depression during the first sixteen weeks of this endeavor. Like contemplating why I was alive, and understanding why women wanted abortions, and all that stuff. It was pretty bad.
Before you go throwing me a pity party, let me say this: I’m quite thankful for that time. It made me realize I wasn’t alone. It made me realize I wasn’t the only person in the world who didn’t enjoy being pregnant. That honestly, I really freaking hated it. And if I’m still being honest, I still do.
But just because I hate being pregnant doesn’t mean I hate our daughter. God, I love this kid with more strength and might than I ever thought possible. But it’s okay to not enjoy every second of something God gives you.
Because you know what? Not all of God’s gifts are easy. They’re not all smooth and baby’s-butt-like. They’re sticky, jagged, and sometimes messy.
Recently I have been reading Kristina Kuzmic’s book “Hold On, But Don’t Hold Still”. It tells of her life up until this point, sharing her struggles and really digging deep into her authenticity.
I truly never thought I could relate so much to a person in my entire life. She was told the same lies as a child growing up, that she was annoying, too loud, too sensitive, too talkative, too… much (literally one of her quotes, I’m not even kidding you).
But you know what’s really funny about some of these lies we are fed, even as adults? Like the one where you have to enjoy pregnancy because it’s going to go away and you’re undoubtedly going to miss it?
Sometimes they really are lies. Like I’m sorry, but I am NOT going to miss being pregnant. And you know what else? I AM loud, talkative, and too much. But it’s ultimately turned me into the person I am today, and those traits have been able to serve me and indicate some of my biggest passions in life.
I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but I had different ideas for how it was all going to go. I thought pregnancy was going to be easier, more glowy, more enjoyable. But guess what? It wasn’t for me.
And you know what? That’s okay. I would much rather be my authentic self than try to change who I was because someone else didn’t like my traits.
So this week, I challenge you to be your authentic self. Start as early as possible. Don’t wait until you’re twenty-six years old (or even older) to realize that who you are is totally okay. Kristina put it perfectly, and I think we should all strive to live by this:
I was sure these quirks were what was holding me back, when in reality, what held me back was desperately trying to change those genuine parts of myself, instead of trying to figure out how to turn them into my superpowers.Hold On, But Don’t Hold Still by Kristina Kuzmic